i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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