Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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