at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
