First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
