got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
