Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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