I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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