my phone needs a breathalizer
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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