I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
