five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
