Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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