Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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