You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
