I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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