u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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