I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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