Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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