He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
