Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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