we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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