She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
