Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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