I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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