Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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