I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
