I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Michael Bay diarrhea
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
