I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
