I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
