3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
