Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
