he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do vagina's smell?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
