Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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