i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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