Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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