Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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