I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
