it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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