hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
