So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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