So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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