you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
