literally had 100 drinks last night.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Terrible idea I love it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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