I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
