You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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