my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
