Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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