I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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