He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
