Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
