I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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