I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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