can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
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creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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