I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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