Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
