dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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