I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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