He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
