so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
