wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
