thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
